I was in a dance lesson yesterday, working on the rumba, when my coach began harping on me for not expressing any romance as I danced. Naturally the next question he asks is, "when was the last time you had a girlfriend?"
Ummmmm, well, errr. . . never?
That opened the floodgates.
"How old are you?" At BYU? Old.
"What are you waiting for?" A good match, I guess. Chemistry?
"You know any two people (man and woman) can make a marriage work?" Yes, but that doesn't mean they always should, does it? Why rush into making an ETERNAL decision just because any two people can make a marriage work? Why not be patient and find the best match?
Here my dance partner chimed in. "You expect too much(A sentiment sometimes echoed by my sisters)! You should make a list of the three or four most important things that you want in a woman. . . don't limit yourself by unreasonable demands."
What? Unreasonable? Everything I ask is reasonable! So here it is, my list of reasonable things that I seek in a woman.
**Disclaimer: This is sarcastic; me making fun of myself. It is not meant to offend anybody or make girls feel inadequate.
Must Haves:
-Hot Legs.
-A fast car, preferably an Aston Martin, but I guess a Mustang Cobra would do.
-Obviously a religious compatibility that includes a temple marriage and tons of little tykes running around and yarking on the carpet.
-Brain. Not just any brain, a good brain. A brain full of knowledge and reasoning capabilities. Like Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale.
-Athleticism, grace, and poise. Imagine a jaguar reclined on a tree limb in the jungle, with its tail lazily swinging to and fro. Now transfer that same aura to the woman holding my hand :)
-Eyes that I could drown in.
-The soul of an artist. Culture.
-Survivability/Grit. Lost in the arctic? No problem.
-Musical. I like Rachmaninoff.
-Hair from a shampoo commercial.
-Shoot a 5" group from 15 yards with a handgun, blindfolded.
-Be proportionally sized to myself . I don't want to be one of them skinny Southern guys that's always bullied by his wife.
-On the other hand, she shouldn't be afraid of trying to bully me. I like that.
-Cook better than me. Gauntlet thrown.
-Take my breath away every time she walks into the room. . .or even when I imagine her walking into a room. I pretty much should always be in danger of suffocating.
-Bear tall athletic sons and beautiful daughters.
-Squeeze toothpaste from bottom.
Must Nots:
-Be insane. That didn't work out so well for Mr. Rochester.
-Be an ogre or troll. I know in the animal kingdom, the males are the pretty ones, but I don't want to be the pretty face in my family; I'm much better suited for the role of ogre.
-Be fixated, beyond all reason, on power or status (example: Lady Macbeth, numerous biblical women, Hillary Clinton).
-Engage in any questionable activities like drugs, or killing innocent people.
-Zealously cling to parents.
-Shoot me in my sleep.
See, that list isn't so unreasonable.
Here's the short version: She must be my best friend. The End.
